Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.
What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
LOL thanks daddy!
A heads up from the management
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
At the zoo
Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo.They come across the gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts,'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called....he hasn't written....'
LOL!! Thanks hank!
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'
'AM I HURT?' he shouts,'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called....he hasn't written....'
LOL!! Thanks hank!
Penguins
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
another groaner from hank
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole."
another groaner from hank
The Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. . ...
It's coming. . .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says....
"You just happened to catch my eye."
*groanz!* Bad one hank!!
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies. . .
Wait for it. . ...
It's coming. . .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says....
"You just happened to catch my eye."
*groanz!* Bad one hank!!
Monday, September 21, 2009
My one day of employment
So after landing my new job as a Bunnings greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
LOL! Thanks dad!!
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Bunnings. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied,'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Bunnings.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
LOL! Thanks dad!!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Robot lie detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
LOL!! Thanks hunny
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.
One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John..
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us
where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John.. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
LOL!! Thanks hunny
3 Men on a Hike
Three men were hiking through a forest when they
came upon a large raging, Violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, The first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the
river.'
Poof! ..
God gave him big arms and strong legs. And he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God,
please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour sfter almost
capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence
to cross the river'
Poof!
He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
Hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the
bridge.
'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
LOL Thanks mom!!
came upon a large raging, Violent river.
Needing to get to the other side, The first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the
river.'
Poof! ..
God gave him big arms and strong legs. And he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God,
please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
Poof!
God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour sfter almost
capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence
to cross the river'
Poof!
He was turned into a woman. She checked the map,
Hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the
bridge.
'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!
LOL Thanks mom!!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
The Old Man
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is wrong with you?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you
tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS. . . . . . .
But I was wrong, too!"
LOL!!! Thanks hank!
old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so.
The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you
might have. Could you tell us what it is wrong with you?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you
tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS. . . . . . .
But I was wrong, too!"
LOL!!! Thanks hank!
The Maid
Our maid asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well,ma'am, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The
first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
thanks hank!
*minor adjustments made to keep the joke politically correct*
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the
raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well,ma'am, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The
first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?
thanks hank!
*minor adjustments made to keep the joke politically correct*
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