The New Priest

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous

About hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.


The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.


The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'


The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.


The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
And saying, "No shit, what happened next?"


Swiped off of a friend's FB

Little Larry and Gina

Little Larry and Gina are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Larry goes to Gina's

father to ask him for her hand.
Larry bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Gina are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies, "Well Larry, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Larry replies,
"In Gina's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not

old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Gina."

Again, Larry instantly replies, "Our allowance, Gina makes five bucks a week

and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should

do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed
Larry has put so much thought into this.

"Well Larry, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have

little children of your own?"

Larry just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable..

LMAO!!! Thanks, Jeff!!

The Lodger (NSFW)

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the dart team hadn't!"

LMAO!! Thanks Hank

4th to go

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. 

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. 

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's,

then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher when in her 60's,

and now in her 80's, the funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and patiently explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

LMAO! Thanks Hank

Great... Greater.... Greatest

 After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
 
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
 
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
 
"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!"

"Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.
 
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph.
 
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal, until suddenly they hear a siren.
    
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as a cop approaches.

"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver.

But the officer takes one look at the Pope, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
 
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
 
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 155 kph.
 
"So bust him," says the Chief.
 
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," says the cop.
 
The Chief exclaims, "All the more reason!"
 
"No, I mean really important," says the cop with a bit of persistence.
 
The Chief then asks, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
 
Chief: "A senator?"
Cop: "Bigger."  
 
Chief: "The Prime Minister?"
Cop: "Even bigger."
 
"Well," asks the Chief, "who is it?" 
Cop: "I think it's God!"
 
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"
 
Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"

 

LMAO!!! Thanks Chicagolady!!