A woman is at home when she hears
someone knock at the door. She goes to the
door and opens the door to see a man
standing there.
He asks the lady, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the
door and it is the same man and he asks the
same question of the woman, 'Do you have a vagina?'
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets
home she tells him what has happened for
the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice
'Honey, I am taking tomorrow off to be home
just in case this guy shows up again.'
The next morning they hear a knock and both
run for the door.
The husband says to the wife in a whispered
voice, 'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the
door and listen and if it is the same guy I
want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where the bastard is
going with it.' She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing
there and asks the same question; 'Do you
have a vagina'?
'Yes, actually I have,' she says.
The man replies..
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using
yours?'
~ oops, caught, lol
Nicked from FB
A heads up from the management
Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
The English Language
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
Word! Thanks, mom!
We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls.
Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not ....... a Congress!
I guess that pretty much explains the things that come out of Washington!
Word! Thanks, mom!
Amish Elevator
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
LMAO!!! Thanks mom!
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
LMAO!!! Thanks mom!
A Perfect Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he
wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house..
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and
the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home! after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee
table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone Bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS !
LMAO! Thanks mom!!
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he
wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house..
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it
and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian.'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and
the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home! after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee
table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran
into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?
His son replies, 'Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone Bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS !
LMAO! Thanks mom!!
The meaning of life
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
LOL!! Thanks Mom!
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
LOL!! Thanks Mom!
The Lawyer and The Senior Citizen
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with old folks!
LOL! Thanks Mom!
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00.Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Don't mess with old folks!
LOL! Thanks Mom!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
The New Priest
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous
About hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
And saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
Swiped off of a friend's FB
About hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out
of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one
hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee
And saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
Swiped off of a friend's FB
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